Trying...

To write...what?

I keep opening this blank page and up until the moment that I do tens of thousands of thoughts, ideas, feelings, dreams, and nightmares scream inside my head.

I can’t get one of them out.

Content.

Discontent.

Deciding.

Indecision.

Peace.

Disruption.

Awake.

Tired.

So very tired.

Something new...

It started with a feeling. No, it wasn’t a feeling. It was an awakening. He woke something from deep inside me. The second he shook my hand I was changed, I felt it rupture from my head to my toes. I knew then he was set to change my world, to change the person that I was, and the person who I was going to become.

I tried to fight it at first, but after a few months I knew it was useless, I knew I had to give myself up to him mind, body and spirit. Easier said than done, letting go of your sanity. Letting go of everything you know to be true. The first several months passed quite uncomplicated, him being nothing but a whisper and a brief encounter at the back of my mind. Never leaving me however. Even from that first meeting he never actually left my thoughts. But it was later, on our next happening upon ea ch other ,that that slight, quite whisper which I had buried deep in my darkest thoughts then slowly crept down into my body. Deep through my veins, deep in to my loins, deep, and piercing into my heart.

Now hear I stand. My head more congested than it has ever been. My heart, even now, full, pounding and screaming his name. And my hands...my hands covered in blood.

Willing to wait...

Just over a year ago I was told by a lady who did not know me, but knew everything about my life, that I was to do great things in the years to come.

She told me that in May of last year I would take up a job that I would excel in, that I would be happy in, that I would stay in for a number of years. But that it wasn't what I was supposed to be doing.

She told me that after several years that something would happen in my life. That my path would shift. That I would wake up one day to start something new, and that once I started I would look back at my previous years and wonder why it had taken me so long to get here. She told me that I wouldn’t regret the years that I had worked in pointless jobs, as my time there had taught me lessons, but that I would know that the journey I had then taken up would be what I was meant to do and that everything before hand would become unimportant.

She told me not to just sit around and wait for it. Not to sit around and urge this thing to come quicker. That I was meant to spend the next few years doing what I’m doing, and live my life the way that I am. But eventually day to day worries - money, material things, peer pressure, social dramas, and the like – would fade away, and I would know that I was on my path.

Each day as I do what I am doing, her voice plays around at the back of my head. When I tell someone of what she said, even as I type, it makes me tremble with excitement, and a little fear.

She ended by saying to me that I had a lot to do in this life, that in the future I will realise that I have a job to do.

I can feel it sometimes. Sometimes I have moments when something sparks inside of me, and my body and mind feel different momentarily. It’s usually as I travel around with my job and I daydream out of the window and look at the beauty around me, I feel it – whatever it may be.

So sometimes when it’s only half way through the month and I don’t possess a penny, or when work piles stress on me, or I feel less than worthy for whatever reason, I remember about the path that I am yet to walk, and the work I am yet to do and it calms me.

Blessed.

When I was young - in my teens - I never really thought that I had very much. I never had very many friends in high school, I spent most of my weekends alone and not partying and going out like everyone else my age. I'd always thought that since my parents divorce that I'd never really had a great family life - I know now that this especially is not true and that a lot of it was down my teenage dramatics!

But recently it hit me just how much I really have. With turning 25 last week, I started to assess exactly what I have in my life, and not just material things but things, which I can say now with a relaxed heart, I will have for the rest of my life.

I have two sets of amazing parents who would do anything for me at any time. A mother who I class as a best friend, who I can turn to and talk to about anything and who understands. A step father who treats me and cares for me as if I was his own, and is always willing to help me. A father, who even though he has been through so much emotionally and mentally, has picked himself up and is the best Dad I could ask for. All of them except me with no questions asked and love me no matter what I do. Some people have the unfortunate luck of not being able to claim to have one parent...and I have three of best.

My brother was my childhood bully. A lot of it was regular sibling stuff but it went a lot deeper than that at times. We were so different and instead of letting that be how it was I think he somehow resented it. Now, I can honestly say that we are like best friends. He would stand by me through anything, listens to me when he needs advice, and in his own way takes care of me when I don't ask him to - he just seems to know I need it.

I will always be close to my family, but I know that I will always need in my life the family which I chose for myself - my friends.

After not having very many friends in my youth, except for one who I even now I class as my family, I came never to expect to have any. Starting University was a blessing as it was a new start, but I hadn't gone with the hopes of finally having a great group of friends. I figured that if I didn't expecting it then when it didn't happen I wouldn't be so disappointed. However, I ended up having an amazing three years and and that was done to a special few who will always be in my heart.

But it was when I returned home, and my adult life really began, that I found my urban family.

This group of people, who I know now I could never live without, are my world, my insides. I never thought that I would have them, and now I have them I never want to lose them. With all of them it's as if there is a 'no questions asked' policy, just totally acceptance. I would do anything for them, and them for me and I know that when it came to it they would be there for me no matter what.

I spend my time with them all differently - meeting for coffee, spending weekends in the countryside, nights in fueled with drinking games and laughter, going out and dancing like fools in bars, or only being able to email each other all day and hope that there will be a chance we could see each other that month. But all of these times have one thing in common, love. The love I have for these people and the love that's shared between us is practically visible.

Two of them are about to make the ultimate vow to each other. Two people who I look up to, who I care for, who I hope to know for the rest of my life. Two people who were meant to be together but also two people who I was meant to know. Our time together is very special as we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like, but in a way that makes it all the more amazing. Even when we are sat in total silence, enough is being said.

Looking back through this blog, I just can not believe how lucky I really am. I have a good job, a home which I love and countless material things which make me happy. But none of these things compare to the truly important people in my live. I pray for them each day and each day I am thankful that I have had the chance to love and know each one of them.

I am blessed.

They say you can choose your friends...

but not your family. I'm glad that this one was chosen for me.

Everybody loves the sunshine...

How is it that a hot day can transform everything? I love it when that day comes around each year that you realise that summer finally might be on its way.

Every where smells different, every where looks different, and you feel different. The mundane half an hour walk to walk turns into a glorious stroll down a sunlight catwalk. Your whole body feels lighter, your breathes come easier and deeper. The usual cafes and bars you walk passed have a new smell of fresh coffee, summer food and the promise of good times with friends to come. Everyone at work is happier and more relaxed and you get more done because the quicker it's done the quicker you can get home.

Then when the afternoon starts to fizzle out, and the earth starts to cool down and the warmest, sweetest smell of a summer's evening descends and you can almost smell your most recent summer holiday and the memories made there. You read your book in your garden, on your balcony or even by an open window and somehow your imagination is more alive. You long for fresh bread, fresh tomatoes, olives, garlic, olive oil...the Mediterranean. The breeze is warm, and your heart is warmer.

I am such a huge fan of Christmas and being all wrapped up for winter, and look forward to it from as early as I can. But today, when I realised that summer was coming, I wish it would stay like this forever.

Everybody loves the sunshine...

I think a change would do you good.

It feels almost stupid now that I have put the rest of my life on hold whilst I finished my time at the job I have just left. A good friend said it best recently, it has literally taken all of my energy to stay positive about my employment situation and everything else has had to take a back seat.

But I can say, with a happy heart, that it is done.

I don't want to write about how working there has made me feel at times, I don't want to give it any more energy than I have had to.

However, the passed three months have brought with them something pretty special. I finally feel like I have found my spiritual feet again. I finally feel like I am back on my path.
I found that over the this period of time I have really had to look at myself, I've had to look at who I really am, and who I want to be. All the qualities that I seemed to have misplaced went hand in hand with my spiritual path.

My previous job, to the one I have just had, brought with it a whole lot of fun . I lived out the youth I had really missed out on. I was constantly out, constantly partying, meeting new people, spending money I didn't have, avoiding the 'uncool' people, and generally living it up. I put all material things in my mind as the most important things. What people thought of me was my biggest worry, not being good enough was my biggest fear.

The last few months have made me realise that what is important is my heart, my mind, my soul and how I can change my life just with my way of thinking. Love became the most important thing to me. To love. To see love. To feel it. Not just love for Dan, or my family and friends but everyone, and everything. To appreciate every single moment of every day, every time the sun shines, every time a stranger smiles at me, every blink of my eyes or movement of my hand. I have remembered how important living is.

Personally, I have had a pretty bad time recently, but if it has taken going through that to remember how I feel about the world, I would go through it again.