Blessed.

When I was young - in my teens - I never really thought that I had very much. I never had very many friends in high school, I spent most of my weekends alone and not partying and going out like everyone else my age. I'd always thought that since my parents divorce that I'd never really had a great family life - I know now that this especially is not true and that a lot of it was down my teenage dramatics!

But recently it hit me just how much I really have. With turning 25 last week, I started to assess exactly what I have in my life, and not just material things but things, which I can say now with a relaxed heart, I will have for the rest of my life.

I have two sets of amazing parents who would do anything for me at any time. A mother who I class as a best friend, who I can turn to and talk to about anything and who understands. A step father who treats me and cares for me as if I was his own, and is always willing to help me. A father, who even though he has been through so much emotionally and mentally, has picked himself up and is the best Dad I could ask for. All of them except me with no questions asked and love me no matter what I do. Some people have the unfortunate luck of not being able to claim to have one parent...and I have three of best.

My brother was my childhood bully. A lot of it was regular sibling stuff but it went a lot deeper than that at times. We were so different and instead of letting that be how it was I think he somehow resented it. Now, I can honestly say that we are like best friends. He would stand by me through anything, listens to me when he needs advice, and in his own way takes care of me when I don't ask him to - he just seems to know I need it.

I will always be close to my family, but I know that I will always need in my life the family which I chose for myself - my friends.

After not having very many friends in my youth, except for one who I even now I class as my family, I came never to expect to have any. Starting University was a blessing as it was a new start, but I hadn't gone with the hopes of finally having a great group of friends. I figured that if I didn't expecting it then when it didn't happen I wouldn't be so disappointed. However, I ended up having an amazing three years and and that was done to a special few who will always be in my heart.

But it was when I returned home, and my adult life really began, that I found my urban family.

This group of people, who I know now I could never live without, are my world, my insides. I never thought that I would have them, and now I have them I never want to lose them. With all of them it's as if there is a 'no questions asked' policy, just totally acceptance. I would do anything for them, and them for me and I know that when it came to it they would be there for me no matter what.

I spend my time with them all differently - meeting for coffee, spending weekends in the countryside, nights in fueled with drinking games and laughter, going out and dancing like fools in bars, or only being able to email each other all day and hope that there will be a chance we could see each other that month. But all of these times have one thing in common, love. The love I have for these people and the love that's shared between us is practically visible.

Two of them are about to make the ultimate vow to each other. Two people who I look up to, who I care for, who I hope to know for the rest of my life. Two people who were meant to be together but also two people who I was meant to know. Our time together is very special as we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like, but in a way that makes it all the more amazing. Even when we are sat in total silence, enough is being said.

Looking back through this blog, I just can not believe how lucky I really am. I have a good job, a home which I love and countless material things which make me happy. But none of these things compare to the truly important people in my live. I pray for them each day and each day I am thankful that I have had the chance to love and know each one of them.

I am blessed.

They say you can choose your friends...

but not your family. I'm glad that this one was chosen for me.

Everybody loves the sunshine...

How is it that a hot day can transform everything? I love it when that day comes around each year that you realise that summer finally might be on its way.

Every where smells different, every where looks different, and you feel different. The mundane half an hour walk to walk turns into a glorious stroll down a sunlight catwalk. Your whole body feels lighter, your breathes come easier and deeper. The usual cafes and bars you walk passed have a new smell of fresh coffee, summer food and the promise of good times with friends to come. Everyone at work is happier and more relaxed and you get more done because the quicker it's done the quicker you can get home.

Then when the afternoon starts to fizzle out, and the earth starts to cool down and the warmest, sweetest smell of a summer's evening descends and you can almost smell your most recent summer holiday and the memories made there. You read your book in your garden, on your balcony or even by an open window and somehow your imagination is more alive. You long for fresh bread, fresh tomatoes, olives, garlic, olive oil...the Mediterranean. The breeze is warm, and your heart is warmer.

I am such a huge fan of Christmas and being all wrapped up for winter, and look forward to it from as early as I can. But today, when I realised that summer was coming, I wish it would stay like this forever.

Everybody loves the sunshine...

I think a change would do you good.

It feels almost stupid now that I have put the rest of my life on hold whilst I finished my time at the job I have just left. A good friend said it best recently, it has literally taken all of my energy to stay positive about my employment situation and everything else has had to take a back seat.

But I can say, with a happy heart, that it is done.

I don't want to write about how working there has made me feel at times, I don't want to give it any more energy than I have had to.

However, the passed three months have brought with them something pretty special. I finally feel like I have found my spiritual feet again. I finally feel like I am back on my path.
I found that over the this period of time I have really had to look at myself, I've had to look at who I really am, and who I want to be. All the qualities that I seemed to have misplaced went hand in hand with my spiritual path.

My previous job, to the one I have just had, brought with it a whole lot of fun . I lived out the youth I had really missed out on. I was constantly out, constantly partying, meeting new people, spending money I didn't have, avoiding the 'uncool' people, and generally living it up. I put all material things in my mind as the most important things. What people thought of me was my biggest worry, not being good enough was my biggest fear.

The last few months have made me realise that what is important is my heart, my mind, my soul and how I can change my life just with my way of thinking. Love became the most important thing to me. To love. To see love. To feel it. Not just love for Dan, or my family and friends but everyone, and everything. To appreciate every single moment of every day, every time the sun shines, every time a stranger smiles at me, every blink of my eyes or movement of my hand. I have remembered how important living is.

Personally, I have had a pretty bad time recently, but if it has taken going through that to remember how I feel about the world, I would go through it again.

It feels nice when...

when you feel free.

A Picture To Say A Thousand Words...

This is one of my happiest memories of my adult life. Dan, my Dad and I drove up to Dingle Cliffs in Malta and stopped at a gorgeous little bar which was used as an airbase during the WWII. The bar was filled full of aircraft memorablia and this is the view from just across the road, looking straight across the horizon to Africa.

In this shot I was thinking of one of my favourite books, The Valkyries (P. Coelho), and one line which has stayed with me for several years...There is more to life than what is 15 feet in front of your face.

Next time you get a chance to see the horizon for what it really is, take a moment to breathe it in and appreciate it.

Someday, Sunday

As my job exhausts me throughout the week, each weekend I make plans in my head to make the most of my free time. This plan usually consists of going to the gym both Saturday and Sunday, go on the sunbed, meet up with some friends, visit the old library in town which I've been meaning to go to since it reopened, and a number of other things.

It's now 1.23pm on Sunday. I haven't left the house in over 24 hours. Today's activities so far include:

• watched tv
• ate some cheese
• had a shower

It's not that I don't want to do the things that I planned for, I just find it difficult to remove myself from the sofa. I need more energy! Which I know would be achieved if I actually went to the gym, but then I'm back to the removal of my body from the sofa issue and I just get no where. It is a vicious circle.

Lazing around the house with Dan, watching films and making dinner just seem to appeal to me so much more than anything else. I have never been a hermit, I've always used my time effectively and got the most out of my weekends but recently I seem to not have the energy to do anything. Something must be done before I get used to this lazy life.

Well it's about time...

Over the past couple of years I have toyed with the idea of creating a blog, I even created one and got rid of it after convincing myself that I have nothing interesting/fun/important to say. But that being said here I am, after much persuasion from my best friend and my eventual understanding that what I have to say doesn't have to please others as long as it pleases me to write it.

I decided to name it after a lyric from a song writer who I love and who inspires me, a lyric which I think of most days when I walk to work. Before I went inter-railing a few years back I used to listen to this song and promise myself that when I arrived in Paris I would play it as I wandered down the Champs-Elysess and picture how Joni must have felt at her time of writing it. It was one of the happiest moments of my life, a moment where I had felt my most free.

Since I was younger I have always written whether it be short stories or even the wanderings of my mind in a diary but now I have this place to put down my thoughts...and to share them.
So to you reader, here is my first blog entry. May it be the first of many...